Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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