My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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