It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
