I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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