dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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