Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
