I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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