I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
