so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
