we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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