corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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