So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
