threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
