I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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