You were right. It hurts to walk today.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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