i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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