It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
