i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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