Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
