he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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