Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
