my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize