I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
