Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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