someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
we should paint friendship bongs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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