I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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