Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
