If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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