Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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