I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
