i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
