anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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