you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
