If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Vodka?
Forever.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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