Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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