I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
