he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
