i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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