if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
God, you're like boner-b-gone
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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