Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
