my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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