We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
