Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
