you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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