gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
