i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
FUCK WHALES
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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