Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
