I want to walk on stilts...naked
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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