I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
