What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
