You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
