if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
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ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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