I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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