I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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