why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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